• Videos
  • Archives
  • About
  • Videos
  • Archives
  • About

Online dating sucks for Asian guys

5th May 201816m39s

Thumbnail

Text:

  • Online dating is hard for Asian men, and specifically Asian men in the West. When I say Asian men, I mean South Asian as well as East Asian men. Specifically, it sucks. So if you're an Asian man, then online dating is harder for you than it would be for a white man or even a black man. And I'm talking specifically about the West, so, developed countries in the West. I can't speak for countries in East Asia or South Asia. I've lived in South Asia, I've lived in East Asia, but I'm not aware enough to be able to argue whether it's harder there. I'd argue it's not as hard because you're in a country where everybody is either East Asian or South Asian, but in the West, if you're an Asian guy it's definitely harder for you. It's harder for you to get a date, it's harder for you to get as many matches as a white guy or a black guy would get and I think it's been that way for a while, and I think it will remain that way for a while. And the reason for this, from what I can tell, is down to the perceptions people have regarding Asian men. And perceptions are influenced by stereotypes that have existed, influenced by the representation of Asian men in the media or the lack thereof, and, people's personal experiences. So, with South Asian men, for example, there are stereotypes regarding their bad hygiene, there are stereotypes regarding nerdiness, there are stereotypes regarding a lack of masculinity, and that last one in particular, is a stereotype that's applied to East Asian men as well, and to the extent where I've seen so many examples and enough research which shows that if you look at East Asian-white couples, if everything was equal you'd expect it to be 50% East Asian man, white woman, 50% East Asian woman, white man, but instead it's actually more the case that it's 90% East Asian woman with white man, and the remaining is East Asian man with a white woman. So why the disparity? And I've met plenty of East Asian women, and Chinese women mostly, who even would say to me that they don't want to date an East Asian man, they want to date a white guy. So this all comes down to stereotypes and perceptions, people's ideas that they form over time based on the things around them that are influencing them, and the thing is, I don't see a lot of people talking about this, in terms of the aspect of online dating, I mean, online dating today is seen as such a norm, especially with apps like Tinder and OkCupid over the last number of years, and people just assume that if you are in the West and you use these apps then it's relatively easy for you to hook up, it's relatively easy for you to get dates, and I think it is, unless you fit into one of these demographics, where you can still get results, but you're not getting the same results as other people are. My personal experience with using online dating apps was such that I did get matches, but most of the matches I got were with South Asian women, which, you know, it's fine, in and of itself, but given the fact that I live in a country where over 90% of the women are white, or at least, non-South Asian, and that over 90% of women on the app are of a similar non-South Asian group, isn't it strange that I get disproportionately more matches from South Asian women? Now, it's obvious why, obviously, it's because I'm South Asian, they're South Asian, so my race and my ethnicity doesn't matter to them but... And some people, you know, wouldn't be bothered by this, but I was bothered by this, and I thought, well, this doesn't make any sense, because, I'm not just looking for a South Asian woman, I'm open to anyone, really, anyone that I fancy. I think most guys would root me, if you fancy a girl, you fancy a girl, you're not gonna be... most guys aren't gonna limit themselves to a particular demographic, and that's what really got me thinking about this, so-- and by the way, the matches that I got, I mean, these weren't exactly the most attractive women, for me, anyway. I mean, I try and keep an open mind, but I did notice that a lot of the matches that I got were women that I didn't even find attractive, and that's partly because I was just swiping right on everyone, but this has really got me thinking about all of this, and I checked it with other friends of mine, other people I'd met who were South Asian, and they got to send the results to me and that's when I realized that... You know, it's funny, people talk about how we live in this post-racial society where everyone's equal and everything's supposed to be equal and I think in my career and other areas of my life, I could attest to that possibly being true, but in this particular area, in dating, I think, and especially with online dating where you can make these decisions about who you want without anyone seeing you make the decision so you're doing it in private almost, I think in those kind of areas, a lot of people still fall down along racial, ethnic, all these sorts of lines. And in the case of Asian men I think it's to do with the perceptions of Asian men that the media and just general culture has fostered over years and years and years. And, what I realized was all these guys using these apps, and including myself at one point, weren't really getting the best out of it. So we thought we were getting the same results as everybody else, but actually we were getting worse results. So we're meant to be enjoying the app by getting all these results, but if we're not getting these results then we're not really enjoying it the way we should be. And one thing I noticed was, I mean, I'm not the only person who thinks about this, so I've met other South Asian guys who've thought about this too, and some of those guys would then try to do things to make themselves more attractive in their profiles, so there was one guy I worked with, who would stress in his profile that he was British-born, because he didn't want people to think that he was fresh off the boat from India, because that's a negative, right, he wanted to stress that he's a Western guy. I don't think he really increased his matches that much, frankly, because he still looks, you know, he still looks Indian. I've seen articles online suggesting that if you're an Asian guy, especially if you're a South Asian guy, then you should have pictures of yourself with your white friends to make you seem less Asian. And I remember the first time I saw an article like that, I thought, "Well yeah, it kinda makes sense, yeah," because you sort of want to make yourself seem like you're more of a crossover person, but I thought about it a bit more and I realized, actually that's really bad if that's what you have to do to get more acceptance, because it sort of implies that somebody who doesn't have white friends, or somebody who is actually from East or South Asia and therefore all their friends are from there as well, somebody like that, isn't as worthy as someone from the West, which, to me, doesn't make any sense, because it's about who that person is. But I can see why people would give out this kind of advice, because it's in a way the kind of thing you have to do if you want to increase your appeal to the masses, so to speak. So, the problem with a lot of these solutions and the problem with the situation is that, well first of all, the solutions don't really, they're not really gonna get you the best results that you want, not really. They're sort of stop-gaps and they don't treat the underlying cause, which is the negative perceptions, or the incorrect perceptions people may have about you. I mean, I've not seen, to be honest, I can't think of a single movie from Hollywood I've seen, which has a South Asian guy as a lead character, as a very masculine character. Obviously movies with South Asian guys, but as a very masculine character, not really, and that's just one example in my life where it's, I feel, a lack of representation makes it easy for people to look at someone like me, for example, and feel that perhaps I'm not as attractive a prospect as somebody else. And it's very hard for me to determine that that is exactly what the reason why people may see me that way is, I mean, I don't know it could be so many things, for example, terrorist attacks that are happening right, if you're a Muslim guy I imagine it's pretty hard for you because people are just gonna automatically link you to that sort of thing despite you likely having nothing to do with it. It's just unfortunate but it is what it is. Then, stories of rape in India, so many memes I've seen online of South Asian guys with poor hygiene. I mean, if you were growing up and you're exposed to all these kind of ideas, surely they sort of get into your head and you sort of develop a narrative in your mind about certain people and you think, "yeah that "guy is from this race or ethnic group or "sort of minority and I'm not so keen on them "because I heard of this, this, this about them, "or I feel this way about them based on what I saw here." so if you're a guy in that minority group, then you have a bigger job if you want someone to see the real you. And the other problem with online dating, and this is a general problem with online dating, is that, if you think about it, you're swiping on photos. You've got a whole human being, a three-dimensional human being with their thoughts, their emotions, their ideas, their excitement, their body language, their vibe, and all of that's being reduced to a two-dimensional photograph. Maybe two or three, four, five photographs, but it doesn't matter, it's a two-dimensional photograph and a little bit of text. Now we all know that people rarely read the text, they just base it on the photo. So, you've already got that person thinking in, arguably, a prejudiced way about you, about people from your background, right, based on looks, and now, they don't even get the full picture of who you are, they don't get to see you, understand you. It's just based on this very limited data set, this limited bit of information. So how could they possibly make an accurate decision? I've been prejudiced against people when I've been using dating apps, who, if I want to meet them in person, I get on with them quite well and we match up, but if I just saw them on the app I probably wouldn't think they're gonna match me. And that's a problem with these apps, but because they're so convenient, and because it's so easy to do this, you know it's much easier to swipe than it is to go and actually talk to somebody, 'cause that requires a bit of courage, right, it requires more effort. So because they're so convenient and comfortable, people are only gonna do this more and more, so unless of course the nature of these apps change and we get video profiles, and we get, you know, a bit more interaction in some way, I don't see this improving. So fundamentally, you're an Asian guy, you're in the West, I mean of course, there's a caveat here, if you're a really, really, really good looking guy then, none of this, none of what I'm saying matters, because you automatically have crossover appeal. I saw this experiment this guy did on Tinder where he tried to take a sort of a thorough approach to figuring out what the dynamics were, and the conclusion he drew was that the bottom to the top 80% of women, in terms of looks, go for the top 20% of guys, and the bottom 80% of guys go for the bottom 20% of women. And that's why the bottom 80% of guys have a really hard time, they've gotta do a lot of swipes to get even one or two matches. And that's been proven out in other experiments people have done on Tinder. And one of the reasons for that, of course, is that a lot of women, and I've confirmed this with my female friends, a lot of women, for the most part don't find a lot of guys attractive. There's only very few guys that they actually find attractive. Whereas guys tend to find a lot of women attractive, and I think that imbalance has always been the case in humanity. The problem is with the dating app is that it exacerbates this disparity. And that's why you end up with a situation where a woman's problem is filtering out all the messages she's getting from all these guys, and a man's problem is getting through the noise in the first place to get noticed, and this is, again, I'm talking about the average woman, the average man. If you're a really good-looking woman, a really good-looking guy, then actually the app enhances your ability because now you're able to connect with people you wouldn't otherwise get to meet. So if you're an Asian guy, and you notice this problem, which is you realize that you're just the average looking guy, or maybe less than average, whatever, but the point is, you're not getting results through online dating, or it's very hard for you to get results, what do you do about it? Well, so my suggestion, and my attitude to this is to take a multi-pronged approach to this, so, if dating apps suck for you, like they did for me, then, don't use them as much, or don't use them at all. Do it other ways. You have to go out to events, you have to do day game, you gotta do night game, whatever it is, you have to go out, actually meet people, and put some effort in. Now, it sounds that that sucks, you might think, because you're having to put more effort in than another guy, who might just be able to spend ten minutes on Tinder and get a date, but the thing is, I mean, this is life, right? There are a lot of things like that where you're either at an advantage compared to someone, or you're at a disadvantage. You know, people don't have it equal. So you just gotta suck it up and just, just do it. Because ultimately you still want to get results. You still want to meet women and all of that. So you just have to do it. So, do day game, go to events, put yourself in positions where you get to meet people, talk to people, you know one of the good things about that is you can actually build your confidence, you can actually become better and better at interacting with people in person, which might not sound like a big deal, but over the long term that's gonna help you get better and better results. And one of the other things that comes out of that, and this is more of a deeper, deeper thing, is the mindset that you get, and I talk about mindset a lot in my videos, about how you gotta think about yourself, think about your life, and for this particular thing, the right mindset is this "don't give a fuck" mindset. So, in order to go out there and go for what you want, in order to go and ask girls out on dates, just approach them, if you fancy them, just to be this person who maximizes his opportunities, you have to be willing to take risks, you have to be courageous, you have to be driven, and that requires this mindset where you care less about what people are gonna say, what strangers are gonna say about you for taking a risk like this. So, you care less about getting rejected, you care less about, you know, someone maybe giving you a phone number but then ghosting you, you just sort of become stronger within yourself and more able to handle these things because if you're not using an app, because the thing about an app is when you, you know, swipe right on someone, they swipe right on you, at that point, when you start talking you already know you both like each other, you both fancy each other, so a lot of that initial uncertainty is gone and now it's just about negotiating the meetup or whatever it is, right, but when you're going out and talking to people and you're still having to do the nego-- You're still having to figure that first bit out, you know, does this person fancy me, do I fancy them enough, can I tell them that I fancy them, will they reciprocate, will they not reciprocate, would they be interested? So you're having to do that work, and that requires more mental strength. So initially, it sucks, because it's just more effort and it's harder, especially if you're shy, right? But over time, as you get better, it's gonna make you a stronger person. And you're giving yourself more opportunities, so I'm not saying, you know, "just do that." Of course, if you still want to use the app, try that as well, but give yourself all these different ways of meeting people, and maximize your opportunity, and that's the best way to do it, that's pretty much all you can do, until someone comes up with an app that solves this problem but so far from what I can see, I don't think that's gonna happen. Finally, I'd be very interested to hear other people's experiences in this area. I'm sure there are people who are part of this demographic and yet have had a great time with online dating apps. I'm sure there are people who have had a more similar experience to me